Lord of the bling: A few ideas for the upcoming Lord of the Rings musical

BY JEFF INMAN

Raging battles. Stunning scenery. Fantastical plot. Hairy feet. Face it: Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy had just about everything imaginable. There were touching moments. There were tragic twists. There were even a couple CGI decapitations. The only thing the trilogy didn't have was a big song and dance number featuring Gollum doing a tap routine.

Kevin Wallace wants to change that. The London-based theater producer hopes to mount a musical version of J.R.R. Tolkien's fantasy classic in the West End by next year, spending a record amount of money to bring the nearly four-hour production to the stage. While details are still sketchy -- the show is currently in the planning stage -- Wallace assures longtime hobbit-heads that the play will capture the entirety of Tolkien's masterpiece.

"I have been in theater for 25 years and I know the power of theater in telling epic stories," he recently told the London Sunday Telegraph. "I believe that we will be able to make a version of The Lord of the Rings that will be a brilliant piece."

Always willing to lend a helpful hand, we here at CityLife have been racking our brains to come up with some guaranteed show-stopping numbers. Admittedly, we went through a few cheesy ideas, such as co-opting Led Zep's "Ramble On" in its entirety or setting the Battle of Helm's Deep to West Side Story's "When You're a Jet." Sample lyric: "When you're an orc you're an orc all the way/from your first taste of man-flesh to your last dying day."

Not good. In the end, though, we think we came up with the kind of stuff that makes Cats look like a pile of stinky kitty litter -- well, at least for the stuff in the first movie (that trilogy shit's long, yo!).

Act I, Scene 1

"Introduction of Frodo" (Fade up light. Spot on barefoot boy in worn clothes, a visible necklace and bad 'fro. Cue music: AC/DC's "Back in Black." Begin to sing.)

"I've got hairy feet/I'm super sweet/Got this ring that Uncle Bilbo told me to keep/Yes, it's shiny and bright and when the light's right/words appear that give me a fright/But if I look at it for a while/I know I'll smile/put it on and I vanish in style/Gives me nine lives/Cat's eyes/I'm only a hobbit but I'm not rank and file/'Cause I'm Baggins/Yes, I'm Baggins/Well, I'm Baggins/Yes, I'm Baggins/Oh, I'm Frodo Baggins/Frodo Baggins/Yes I'm Frodo Baggins/Frodo Baggins/Outta sight."

Act I, Scene 3

"The Sauron Rap" (Man comes out in a giant eyeball costume, complete with paper streamers for flames. To the beat of Eminem's "My Name Is," he starts to rap.)

"Hi, my name is Sauron/and I'm the evil eye/and I spy bling, the one ruling ring/that thing dangling around your neck that I bet I could snap just like that, hear bones crack/I'd jack you up, bitch/'Cause I've got my eye on you/True, I don't have a body/Just a knobby orb that goes all throbby/I'm a bad Visine commercial/But I've got a new hobby/Nothing too dodgy/I'm just gonna rule the world and not by proxy but like a one-eyed Darth Vader/go shroom shroom with my light saber/give you the whip like Indy in Raiders/Right after I get my ring/This shit's gonna sting/Now all the Ring Wraiths sing: I'm the evil eye/I'm the evil eye/I'm the evil eye/and I spy you/I'm the evil eye/I'm the evil eye/I'm the evil eye/and I spy you."

Act I, Scene 6

"Riding into Rivendell" (Open with our heroes riding into the city, with barely visible elves singing greetings from behind trees. But by chorus have the whole thing bust out into a giant dance number, all set to the Eagles' "Hotel California.")

"On a dark desert highway/you fought seven Ring Wraiths/Dude, you almost got your asses kicked/and Frodo looks like a total waste/But up ahead in the distance/is an elfish love shack/there Aragon can get his groove on/and the rest of you can have a snack/while the big people discuss what to do with the one true bling/Probably say destroy it in Mordor, and then prop up a new king.

"But here's the thing about your new digs, it's crumbling under your hairy feet/So if you don't bust a move soon, this crib and all of Middle-Earth will be an orcy heap.

"Welcome to the Hotel Rivendell/Such a lovely place/except for Elrond's face/You'll be living it up at the Hotel Rivendell/but if you don't leave soon/then we'll all be doomed."