Best of the Valley 2006

First, let us say thank you.

Thank you for being somewhat more discriminating than the mouth-breathing voters in the Review-Journal's annual Las Vegas survey, whose annual picks are notoriously bad.

You CityLife readers didn't say Taco Bell was the best taco, Olive Garden the best Italian restaurant or Outback the best steakhouse.

Thank you. We at CityLife are proud to have you folks as readers.

Then again, as CityLife readers, we expect that you'll be more discriminating.

And speaking of discriminating, we did a little of that this year, against blatant attempted ballot-stuffing. We warned you about that, didn't we? Yet the good folks at Kirvin Doak Communications still tried it anyway, mailing identical ballots in the exact same Kirvin Doak envelope.

Dudes, at least try not to get caught.

And what about Pure Management Group, with a last-minute attempt to dump a 1.5-inch stack of ballots here at the CityLife office? After the deadline. We didn't count those ballots, either, but then again, we didn't need to: Pure won best nightclub anyway. See? Sometimes you don't need to cheat to win!

Speaking of winners, they're on the following pages. So enjoy our Best of the Valley poll, whether you take it as harmless fun or as a serious guide to the city. And, once more, thanks for voting. --Steve Sebelius

Best Live Music Venue

House of Blues

3950 Las Vegas Blvd. South

632-7600

For 2005, House of Blues Las Vegas continued to put on every kind of show under the sun -- from Blood Brothers (screamo) to Tenacious D (comedic butt-rock), from Rainer Maria (alternative) to Black Dahlia Murder (black metal). Which probably explains why, year after year, this casino-encased club wins in this category. And with more than a few concerts going at the two-for-one price these days, you can sometimes wait to buy your tickets until the week before and save money. Walloping sound, dynamic lighting and pretty bartenders? That's what we like to call in this business a "plus three."--Jarret Keene

Best Hip-Hop DJ

Sobe

He may have assumed the title of a fruit drink line that proudly proclaims the contents of its ornately decorated bottles belong to something called "the beverage universe," but Sobe, aka Rikk Martinez, is absolved of blame. The Cuba native was around long before those flavored satellites began orbiting, plying his trade at every relevant venue on the circuit for the last 16 years. He's spun at HOB, Light and the legendary Utopia. Now he's a resident at Krave, where he spins four nights a week, employing the same dance floor-rotating philosophy he did back when he first manned the decks: "It's just being able to read the crowd and having good timing," he says. Two rules, just right.--Kevin Capp

Best House Music DJ

Morningstar

For a guy that's only been in Vegas a year, Kian Amiri has landed more gigs than many a jobless jock haunting clubs, passing out their CDs, forlornly hanging around the bar and complaining to anyone within earshot of the DJ, "That guy sucks." Originally from L.A., Amiri U-Hauled it to Vegas because of the sheer volume of opportunities here, staking out a spot at Krave (where, in addition to house, he also spins Goth industrial on Fridays) and Tao (where he indulges his love of electro and tribal house on Tuesdays). And even though he fled the Golden State, he still managed to maintain a residency at one of its more jabbered about venues, Arena.--KC

Best Local Band

The Killers

It's hard to say who should be most proud of this distinction -- local music fans, who finally have a globally beloved band to call their own, or The Killers, who have often wondered aloud if they're truly appreciated in their own hometown. On one hand, the quartet is an obvious choice, given its penchant for writing crossover pop hits, its open celebration of all things Vegas, its willingness to play here as often as possible and it being a local act even your mom can name check. And yet, one might understandably ask: Are The Killers too big to be a "local" band? Perhaps, but given the distance that can come between a multiplatinum band and its home base, it's still endearing to see how well connected the two remain.--Mike Prevatt

Best Nightclub

Pure (inside Caesars Palace)

3570 Las Vegas Blvd. South

731-7873

No matter how critical of the megaclub we've been, there's one thing we can't take away from it: People fucking love this place. Just check the line, an undulating mass of looky-loos and eager-beavers dressed to impress -- or just to show off their pecs and tits. Lorded over by resident DJs Hollywood, AM and Frank Richards, Pure continues to attract a rich tapestry of rich celebs to its pearly gates, while maintaining a Tuesday night soiree dedicated to us golden locals, a tough balancing act the club manages with a surprising ease.--KC

Best Club Event

Rehab (inside Hard Rock)

4455 Paradise Road

693-5000

While not technically a club event, the Hard Rock's feral poolside luau has all the makings of a nightlife soiree. Only it's outside. During the day. And people are half-naked. Unhinged though it may be for revelers, "Rehab" is actually a well-oiled money-machine run by Chad Pallas, Jack LaFleur and Adam Nixon, a trio of promoters-innovators whose suntanned baby is often imitated but never duplicated. Lots of tweaks were made this year to the pool area's layout, with possibly even more coming next year, says LaFleur. Adding of the Sunday party, "It's an entirely different animal. Vegas people understand that about it." As do a lot of others.--KC

Best After-hours Party

Drai's (inside Barbary Coast)

3595 Las Vegas Blvd. South

737-0555

We might as well not even ask readers to vote on this category next year. Despite increased competition in the blue-dawn hours party market from Empire Ballroom and Seamless, the basement club still holds a special place in the blackened hearts and addled minds of local late-nighters. Although Jesse Waits, the longtime face of Drai's, has been spending the bulk of his time at Tryst, the rowdy yet cozy joint keeps banging. Your eardrums. Your fists. Your synapses.--KC

Best Strip Club

Spearmint Rhino

3344 South Highland Drive

796-3600

What to say about the Rhino, as it's known far and wide across the valley to any and all who enjoy lap dances and lurid tales of strippers' ex-boyfriends, except that you, sprung readers, can't pull yourself away long enough to visit one of our city's many other gentlemen's clubs, like Scores, Minxx or, oh hell, any one of the other houses of unholiness dotting our roadways and back alleys? We guess the answer is simple: Once you fall in love, no matter how many times you're rebuked, the feeling is always strong enough to make you drop another $20 at the same place you did last week.--KC

Best Sex Club

The Green Door

953 E. Sahara Ave.

732-4656

See a pattern? Bigger is better, at least in the Vegas-ized minds of CityLife readers. Five hundred beers in their favorite bar, 39 tables in their favorite pool hall and 18,000 square feet in their favorite safe haven for consenting adults -- take your forced and coercive sex somewhere else -- to "meet with friends or make new ones." Making friends can be hard, but as the largest sex club in the country, The Green Door boasts a slew of fetishy rooms -- the "Doctor's Office" and the "Pussywhip'd Dungeon" included -- that can help smooth the process a little for new members who are shy, yet know what they like in a person when they see it.--Dave Surratt

Best Lounge

Paymon's Hookah Lounge

4147 S. Maryland Parkway

732-3203

Your days of taking a rip of kind bud out of an old liter bottle of Coke may be over, but not that old-timey urge to fill your lungs with flavored smoke. So you go to Paymon's Hookah Lounge. Once there, you collapse into a plush couch or post up on a soft stool, order a beer and pretend to be a wealthy sheik by inhaling the pure goodness of burnt cherry or ... whatever. Given that the place is connected to Paymon's Mediterranean Cafe, you're actually performing your old smoking ritual in reverse. You inhale your humus and pita bread, and then you inhale your smoke. No, it ain't the good ol' days, but it sure is good.--KC

Best Bar

Freakin' Frog

4700 S. Maryland Parkway

597-9702

Adam Carmer's place across from UNLV is expanding. Again. The hydroponics shop next door is gone now, along with the interior wall that once kept it separate from the Freakin' Frog, a locally beloved hipster haunt featuring 500-plus beers from around the whole drunken world. New plasma screen TVs, neon, a grand piano, frequent live music and the enigmatic, retro-austere Whisky Attic upstairs (featuring the biggest whisky selection in the United States) make for a scene that, if it gets any more eclectic, may become intolerably disorienting even without help from a sea of exotic booze.--DS

Best Dive

Double Down Saloon

4640 Paradise Road

791-5775

Sometimes you wanna go where everybody doesn't know your name. Where the Ass Juice and Bacon Martinis flow freely. Where there's really only one rule: "You puke, you clean." In addition to being Las Vegas' official Beer Napkin at the End of the Universe, the Double Down Saloon is also this year's Best Dive. When there's not a hardcore band like, say, Vlad & the Impalers skewering your eardrums, you can always opt to slip a buck into the chock-full-of-punk-rock jukebox, punch in a Link Wary rumbler and stare at the demonic murals on the walls until your eyes roll back into your skull. Ah, Vegas.--JK

Best Brew Pub

Gordon Biersch

3987 Paradise Road

312-5247

Being stalked by a Nevada GOP gubernatorial candidate? You know where to go -- into the warm, comforting embrace of Gordon Biersch where, unlike other dining establishments, flirting is just flirting and not an invitation for a parking-garage grope. GB's food is awesome. The Meatloaf is a yummy blend of ground beef and Italian sausage; the Cornmeal Dusted Crab Cakes will make your tongue slap your brains out; and the Barbecue Salmon is fresh and seared just right. The beers -- Golden Export, Hefeweizen, Märzen -- are tasty and never "over-hopped." Chrissy Mazzeo knows where to run, and so do you, dear readers.--JK

Best Place to Shoot Pool

Las Vegas Cue Club

953 E. Sahara Ave., #A15

735-2884

The best game you'll ever have will still be the one you shot on some nameless dive's solitary Pabst-stained table and witnessed only by an affable semi-autistic named Ronnie, but you can still tell that tale in the most receptive environment around for all things pool. Cue Club features a bar, cafe and 39 tables, including a snooker version and one of those monster slabs made for three-cushion billiards. That's an intense way to play; only three balls are used, but the shot angles require an advanced physics degree -- either that or Ronnie's monotonal, mathematically precise coaching.--DS

Best Karaoke

Ellis Island Casino & Brewery

4178 Koval Lane

733-8901

Singing over canned music never sounds as good as it does every night starting at 9 p.m. inside Ellis Island. The casino's karaoke scene consistently wins the Review-Journal's "Best of Las Vegas" distinction, and a lot of that is due to master of ceremonies Timmy Welsh, who never flinches or shows any sign of grief, no matter how out of tune some fat dude's caterwauling rendition of a Swing Out Sister song might be. This place gets packed on weekends, when you're more likely to find talented singers. Sure, there are other flashier karaoke experiences on the Strip proper, but for a good time, it's hard to beat Ellis Island.--JK

Best Gay Bar

Krave

3663 Las Vegas Blvd. South

836-0830

Showtime's groundbreaking series Queer as Folk featured a gay club called Babylon that was so celebratory and creatively envisioned in each episode, it was too good to be true. Even Los Angeles and San Francisco can't claim a gay fantasia like Babylon -- but Vegas can. The Krave experience is different from night to night, whether due to its DJ talent -- the best of any gay nightspot in town (and apparently, you agree; see the DJ winners above) -- its varied local and touring stage performers, its creatively themed Saturdays, or its demographic-spanning attendees (most of which are easy on the eyes). The one thing that remains consistent, however, is how much fun you'll have there.--MP

Best Lesbian Party

Girlbar (Krave)

If you've ever been on the local lesbian party circuit -- or know someone who has -- you know Krave's oft-packed Saturday party is a slam-dunk choice over its Fruit Loop competitors. Girlbar, imported from L.A. but made local in Krave's intimate lounge (separate from the main club), boasts both a contagious, jubilant vibe and a babe-heavy patronage that even elicits stares from the homos next door. The party is also refreshingly welcoming; straight couples are occasionally spotted and gay men are (usually) tolerated. That said, Girlbar is first and foremost a ladies' night, and that's probably why you voted for it.--MP

Hottest Bartenders

Krave

Either gay men and straight women banded together to bestow the only Strip-side gay club this well-deserved honor, or there just aren't enough women bartenders staffed at mainstream clubs. No matter -- anyone who's been there knows Krave employs some of Vegas' most beautiful human specimens, and its bar staff is no exception. Some locals have grumbled about the club's drink prices, but given that Krave's hunky booze mixers pour drinks far stiffer than their chief competitors while also providing (often shirtless) eye candy, we think the extra buck or two a cocktail is entirely worth it.--MP

Best VIP Host

Jason Habel

"All the customers say we come back for you guys," says Body English's Habel by way of diminishing his new status as local nightlifers' most favorite dude to welcome them to a club. See, he's achieved the success he has because of the people he works for -- people like Andy Hersch and Cory McCormack. They've shown the former minor-league baseball player, valet and aspiring law student the velvet ropes, as it were, at the Hard Rock hotspot, bestowing the customer-knows-best philosophy on their neophyte charge since he came aboard July 4. "I was definitely quite intimidated," he says of those early days. "But they've just been teaching me like none other."--KC

Best Local Activist

Andre Agassi

No doubt about it. Las Vegas native and tennis god Andre Agassi does a lot for the community. He founded a charter school. He opened a Boys & Girls Club. And he has given tons of money to Child Haven, a shelter for abused and neglected children, and several children's organizations. But he's a little mainstream for our taste. We favor the valley's underpaid and underappreciated activists, which include: Linda Lera-Randle El of Straight from the Streets; Allen Lichtenstein, Gary Peck and Lee Rowland of the American Civil Liberties Union of Nevada; and Gail Sacco, who defiantly feeds the homeless at Circle Park.--Matt O'Brien

Best Local Elected Official

Oscar Goodman

Yet another perplexing vote by our readers. Sure, in his seven years as mayor of Las Vegas, Oscar Goodman has done some good things. He has promoted the arts, helped preserve history and attracted businesses downtown. But the good things he's done are overshadowed by embarrassing gaffes: endorsing alcohol, using his office to seemingly benefit friends and family, and passing unconstitutional laws. Sure, Mayor Goodman talks a good game -- but his actions leave a lot to be desired.--MO

Best Teacher

Anne Bayliff

Unfortunately, we were unable to reach Anne Bayliff, who teaches at Decker Elementary School, before deadline. But if she's like most good teachers in the Clark County School District, we can assume a few things about her: She's overworked, she's underpaid and she does the best she can -- in spite of the school district -- to make sure her students have a productive learning environment. We congratulate Anne Bayliff and all the other teachers in the district who approach their profession as a passion, not a job.--MO

Best Community Booster

Oscar Goodman

It's hard to argue with our readers on this particular category. Indeed, few people love Las Vegas as much as mob-attorney-turned-mayor Oscar Goodman, who has lived here since the mid-1960s. He's constantly promoting the city in print and on TV. Of course, the ironic thing is the Strip -- which is outside of the city limits -- seems to benefit most from his unbridled fawning. Downtown, while it has made some progress, continues to lag.--MO

Best Local Poet

Dayvid Figler

Surely this has happened to you: You're relaxing with a latte at your favorite coffeehouse, reading the CityLife tranny ads and avoiding eye contact with the trust-fund gutterboi who's building up the nerve to ask you for spare change, when out of the corner of your eye you notice ... someone setting up a microphone and P.A.! A glance at bulletin board confirms your dawning dread: You've come on spoken word night! But you're better off staying put if renowned local poet Dayvid Figler's on the reading list; his pointed pop-culture pieces flash with insight and wit, and are so damn funny you just might find that latte soon shooting from your nose.--Andrew Kiraly

Best Local Author

Jarret Keene

When not turning in finely honed entertainment stories for CityLife (well before deadline, we might add) Keene stays busy as a Las Vegas man of letters, writing fiction, nonfiction and poems that, refreshingly, treat popular culture with artful gravity -- crack open a copy of the excellent Monster Fashion to see what we mean. Neither is Keene a slouch when it comes to nonfiction; his The Killers: Destiny Is Calling Me remains the definitive biography of the British pop band from Vegas that made it big.--AK

Best Local Artist

Austin Spencer

Studio 21 Tattoo artist Austin Spencer takes this category again, which is as sure a sign as any that his customers -- bearing Austin's eye-popping work that ranges from stylized tsunamis to urban graffiti pieces -- are as happy as ever with the tatman's skill on the pens of steel. As today's name-brand tattooists become the celebrity chefs of skin art, here's hoping there's room in the spotlight for the much-deserving Austin Spencer.--AK

Best Local Print Journalist

John L. Smith

Few things in Las Vegas remain recognizable for long. A vintage casino today is a high-rise tomorrow. A weatherman on Monday is a weatherBarbie on Tuesday. One evening, your newspaper has a humble Living section; the next, it's been hijacked by a beaky midget with a penchant for costumes and first-person screed. Amid this, longtime Review-Journal columnist John L. Smith is a welcome bulwark in a city of change, offering his straight-talk take on local politics and current events four days a week. A journalistic institution in Las Vegas, Smith pulls no punches, but not at the expense of an earthy, well-wrought sense of humor.--AK

Best Local Television

Journalist George Knapp

Local TV news is generally like an evil pinata filled with gimmicks, fluff, scare stories and the kind of brainless banter that makes you want to claw your lungs out -- but that's what you get when you're in a leapfrog market filled with perpetual newbies. KLAS-TV Channel 8 is a grand exception; its newspeople have actually lived here a while and actually have a stake in the community. In that sense, veteran reporter George Knapp is the anchor to the station's sensibility. He's parlayed his roots, perspective and journalistic tenacity into a fearsome news machine, and it's earned Knapp the distinction of having broken countless stories, most recently, the infamous G-sting corruption probe. If there's a model for the ideal TV news reporter, George Knapp is it.--AK

Best Local Radio DJ

Mark & Mercedes

If video killed the radio star, Internet radio is the cleanup man, armed with a chloroformed hanky and .22 pistol, out to snuff the last few DJs. But long may Mix 94.1 FM duo Mark and Mercedes buck that trend with their "Mark and Mercedes in the Morning" show. It manages to be funny without being obnoxious, racy without being raunchy and earnest without being mawkish. And in this age of extremes -- when shocking behavior and a pottymouth guarantee you a reality TV show -- that is a balancing act to applaud.--AK

Best Local News Anchor

Paula Francis

Longtime KLAS-TV Channel 8 news anchor Paula Francis is more than just another blond talking head on the TV news. Frequently applauded for her medical reporting in her "Eye on Health," segments, Francis is plenty active beyond the camera as well, raising awareness about breast cancer, sitting on the board of Shade Tree, and being one of the founders of the Nevada Chapter of the International Women's forum.--AK

Best Local Blog

Las Vegas Gleaner

www.lasvegasgleaner.com

If there was ever a thorough antidote to the acid propaganda seeping from the editorial pages of the Review-Journal, it's lefty local political blog Las Vegas Gleaner. Since Editor Hugh Jackson launched the Gleaner in June 2005, it's quickly grown into a must-read for progressives and, heck, just politically sane Nevadans in general. Jackson's wryly delivered insights into both politics and policy are just one facet of the Gleaner; the comments by themselves make for some of the most spirited, intelligent -- and shockingly civil -- discussion of the progressive cause in Nevada.--AK

Best Stripper

SnakeBabe

www.snakebabe.com

You might catch SnakeBabe, a.k.a. Maria Gara, performing at your favorite jiggle joint, but make no mistake: She's no stripper. Call her instead an erotic performance artist who employs live reptiles and magic into her non-nude show. Different? Yes. Hot? Definitely. And that was more than enough for her to slither to first place in this category. It all gives new meaning to the request, "Take off the boa!"--AK

Best Local MySpace Page Green Door

www.myspace.com/greendoorlv

Judging by the MySpace page for the Green Door, the place is just exploding with pure fuck! OK, it isn't quite that naughty, but, judging by the comments and pics posted by would-be regulars (and regularettes), swing culture has come a long way from being dominated by swarthy '70s porn gorillas in bath towels. The site's not just, er, intriguing, but useful, too, offering generous pics of the swing club's various rooms and all their glossy, easy-to-clean surfaces. So that's what's behind the Green Door!--AK

Best Non-Chain Restaurant

Otto's Malt Shop

4440 S. Maryland Parkway

796-6886

Our readers and our staff certainly see eye-to-eye when it comes to Otto's. Between the retro sci-fi décor, random bowling memorabilia and great grub, this tiny UNLV area hangout has garnered plenty of fans here in our offices, and clearly many more out in the real world. In all honesty, it's a concept that seems ripe for being spun off into a soulless corporate chain. But there's no way to reproduce the friendly service and cool stories provided by proprietors Otto Miller and Ruthie Cosgrove, which is why Otto's will likely remain one of a kind -- just the way we like it.--Al Mancini

Best Cheap Eats

Otto's Malt Shop

4440 S. Maryland Parkway

796-6886

Once again you're throwing your support behind Otto's, and once again we couldn't agree more. Jut try spending $10 at Otto's and managing to finish everything on your plate. Alexander Hamilton is more than enough to purchase a monstrous baked beef patty infused with eggs, breadcrumbs, milk and spices and drenched in the toppings of your choice, along with a baked potato loaded down with another huge batch of toppings and one of Otto's incredible hand-dipped malts. Being broke never tasted so good or felt so filling.--AM

Best Pricey Eats

Ruth's Chris Steak House

3900 Paradise Road<br>791-7011

4561 W. Flamingo Road

248-7011

We have to admit it's a little confusing to see Ruth's Chris take the prize for Best Pricey Eats while the more expensive N9NE beat it out in the Best Steakhouse category. But apparently, Ruth's is where plenty of you like to indulge when you've got some money burning a hole in your wallet. And with great cuts of steak served in a pool of melted butter, it's understandable. Better yet, their west side location offers the full menu until 3 a.m.--AM

Best Late-Night Dining

Denny's

Various Locations

In many parts of the country, no night on the town is complete without a stop at a Denny's on the way home, where that yellow and red logo always means that there's plenty of cheap food available to top off a late night of drinking. And of course, no matter how many times you order the Moons Over My Hammy, it's always guaranteed to make one of your drunken friends laugh. So it comes as no surprise that even here in Las Vegas, where there are plenty of late-night choices, Denny's is still your favorite.--AM

Best Place to Take a Date When You Really Want to Get Laid

Otto's Malt Shop

4440 S. Maryland Parkway

796-6886

OK, we've already made it clear we love Otto's just as much as you do. But if a cheap burger and a malt is all it takes to get lucky these days, college girls must be a lot easier than they were when we were in school. That's good to know. Rock on, Otto's!--AM

Best Steakhouse

N9NE (inside The Palms)

4321 W. Flamingo Road

933-9900

Packed with celebrities virtually any night of the week, N9Ne is clearly the place for the Hollywood set to grab themselves a slab of beef when they're partying here in Las Vegas. But apparently its high energy, cool décor and great steaks have struck a chord with you as well. None of that comes cheap, however, which makes us wonder how N9NE was beaten out by Ruth's Chris steakhouse in the Best Pricey Eats category. But apparently when you're partying at the Palms, you're not thinking about the price tag.--AM

Best Mexican Restaurant

Lindo Michoacan

2655 E. Desert Inn Road

735-6828

Need a reason to support organized religion? Just try some of the incredible recipes Lindo Michoacan's owner Javier Barajes learned from the nuns while studying at a seminary in the Mexican state of Michoacan. Running the gamut from the familiar to the exotic, they're good enough to land the restaurant the top spot in this category for the second year in a row. And all we ever got from the nuns at our Catholic school was an introduction to the business end of a ruler.--AM

Best Chinese Restaurant

P.F. Chang's

Various Locations

In most major cities, the idea of seeing a huge national chain take the Best Chinese Restaurant honors would be scandalous. But you just can't seem to resist P.F. Chang's familiar cuisine, honoring it in this division once again. To be honest, we thought about chastising you on this one, but we were so happy to see that you've finally moved beyond The Olive Garden in the Italian category that we decided to let you slide. This time.--AM

Best Italian Restaurant

Nora's

6020 W. Flamingo Road

873-8990

Last year's choice of The Olive Garden in this category prompted us to demand you get off your asses and find yourself some real Italian cuisine, and apparently you took that advice to heart and discovered Nora's. That might explain the long wait for a table the last time we decided to stop by. But with great food that ranges from basics like lasagna and veal parmiagiana to sublime creations like Crazy Alfredo, topped with chicken, sausage, shrimp, porcinis, roasted peppers, sun-dried tomatoes and jalapenos, word was bound to get out.--AM

Best Thai Restaurant

Lotus of Siam

953 E. Sahara Ave.

Located in a sprawling commercial center on East Sahara better known for its collection of sex clubs than for fine dining, Lotus of Siam might not look like much. But its incredible selection of Thai food has garnered it plenty of national press over the years, and apparently a large local following among our readers. Make sure you request the Northern Tai menu, which contains some of the chef's best dishes.--AM

Best Indian Restaurant

Gandhi Indian Cuisine

4080 Paradise Road

734-0094

The selection of Indian cuisine available in the valley continues to grow, but this Paradise Road hotspot stands out above the rest this year. In fact, it was popular enough to dethrone two-time champ Thai Spice. If you're dining on a budget, make sure you look into their lunch buffet.--AM

Best Buffet

Carnival World Buffet (inside the Rio)

3700 W. Flamingo Road

777-7757

With a buffet full of all-you-can eat goodness in every casino in town, you might expect the competition to be intense in this category. But year in and year out, you put the feast at the Rio at the top of the list. Make sure you get there early, however, because as the monstrous lines testify, the place certainly isn't a well-kept local's secret.--AM

Best Sushi

RA sushi

3200 Las Vegas Blvd. South (inside the Fashion Show mall)

696-0008

Just in time for its two-year anniversary, it seems this Fashion Show mall hotspot has finally caught on among the locals. It might have something to do with the attractive wait staff, cool décor and DJs spinning hot music seven nights a week. But in the end, the great raw fish and Japanese fusion cuisine are probably what keep you coming back for more. If you haven't been there for a while, make it a point to check out the brand new menu, with choices like mango ceviche, salmon skewer salad and king crab dynamite.--AM

Best Beer Selection

Freakin' Frog

4800 S. Maryland Parkway

587-3237

It's an obvious choice, but we're certainly not in a position to argue. With more than 500 varieties of beer, and ten taps in a constant rotation of new and exciting draft options, The Freakin' Frog is paradise for beer aficionados. So it's not surprising it emerged victorious in this category once again this year. And the food isn't half bad either. In fact, the fried triangles of macaroni & cheese are downright addictive.--AM

Best Coffeehouse

Starbucks

Every damn corner in town

Well, at least you're honest. Sure, Starbucks has monopolized the coffee world, and driven countless cooler mom-and-pop operations out of business. But when you need your caffeine fix, this is where you get it. Don't feel bad. It's understandable. After all, why cross the street for a cup of coffee when there's undoubtedly a Starbucks on the way to where you're going? Face it, in this case, resistance really is futile.--AM

Best Looking Wait Staff

Hooters

Various locations

Forget about Hef and his overly-hyped bunnies at the Playboy Club. Your tastes clearly run a bit more lowbrow. Once again the ladies in the bright orange shorts have won your hearts. And now Las Vegas has an entire casino dedicated to their blue-collar appeal, so once you've finished your Buffalo wings and beer, you can continue drooling over them while playing a few hands of blackjack.--AM

Best Wine Selection

Aureole (inside Mandalay Bay)

3950 Las Vegas Blvd. South

632-7401

While some wine may be displayed traditionally -- underground, with plenty of brick and oak, the way it's done at The Wine Cellar at the Rio -- it's the presentation that wows guests at Aureole. Wine is stored in a multi-story, transparent vertical shaft that "wine angels" ascend and descend to retrieve your choice. (See? It's a restaurant and entertainment, all at once!) The computerized wine list on notebook computers is also cool: Search by name, region, vintage or match the wine to your food. Aureole gets rave reviews for its selection, which is huge. If you can't find it there, you can safely consider yourself a fan of the extremely rare.--SS

Best Un-Vegas Spot

Mount Charleston

Sure, Mount Charleston is unlike Las Vegas. Our biggest fear, however, is that may soon change. As development sprawls to the north (and south, east and west), the highest peak in the Spring Mountains range is becoming more and more threatened by growth and overuse. In fact, the mountain was recently included on Scenic Nevada's "13 Last Chance Scenic Places" list, which spotlighted places that are being compromised by neglect, development, bad public policy and a lack of funding. The goal of the list, said Scenic Nevada Chairman Doug Smith, is to protect these places. A noble goal, indeed. Let's help them achieve it.--MO

Best View of Las Vegas

The Stratosphere

If nothing else, our readers are nostalgic. They tend to cling to tradition like Gov.-elect Jim Gibbons to a cocktail waitress (allegedly). For example, they continue to vote the Stratosphere as the Best View of Las Vegas -- despite newer and more dynamic entries, including Mix, the Foundation Room and the Eiffel Tower at Paris Las Vegas. But, we have to admit, there's something to be said for the Stratosphere's panoramic and straight-down views. Who knew the "Naked City" could look so pretty at night?--MO

Best Reason to Flee Las Vegas

The heat

Located in the heart of the Mojave Desert, Las Vegas is devastatingly hot and dry. Its average high temperature in the months of June, July and August is 102 degrees. It once suffered through 66 consecutive days of triple-figure temperatures. And its average yearly rainfall is only 4.5 inches. Indeed, the city is hotter than hell's kitchen. So what's a person to do? Well, our readers recommend Mount Charleston (see Best Un-Vegas Spot) and San Diego (see Best Road Trip Destination). See you there.--MO

Best Road Trip Destination

San Diego

San Diego has won this category, like, 20 years in a row -- and it's easy to see why. It has awesome beaches, cooperative weather and it's a short distance from the donkey shows of Tijuana. SeaWorld and the Gaslamp District are pretty interesting, too, though not nearly as interesting as the donkey shows. We also recommend L.A., Zion National Park, Bryce Canyon and Death Valley (but not in the summer, of course).--MO

Best Place for Men to Pick Up Women

Green Door

953 E. Sahara Ave., Suite B-27

732-4656

Here you can meet a genuine Suckling White Tigress, fellas. According to her testimonial on the Green Door's online forum, she learned the ancient sexual art from Madame Hoang the Immortaless in Vietnam. It's a rosy practice, to be sure, but, unfortunately, the environment in which she trained wasn't always so. "Often, for days on end, the only nourishment I had was the semen of the Green Dragons I was able to seduce," she writes of her life during the post-American invasion period. Although she may not be on the verge of starvation anymore (at least so her picture indicates), her need for Green Dragons and their pearly gifts probably hasn't subsided. Which has gotta be why the Green Door took this prize.--KC

Best Place for Women to Pick Up Men

Green Door

953 E. Sahara Ave., Suite B-27

732-4656

Your husband is fat and hairy, his penis flaccid and wrinkly. You need a real man, one who knows how to treat a lady. So you go to the Green Door and find an abundance of well-trained sex-mechanics ready to service you, not the remote control. Your oil needs changing, your brake fluid needs replacing and your headlights need turning on -- now. Not when he discovers that Internet porn isn't interactive. Oh, yeah, it's always ladies night at the Green Door.--KC

Best Gay Cruising Spot

"The Fruit Loop"

What, you were expecting the Caesars Palace sports book? There might've been better competition if the Commercial Center was less creepy and the Fashion Show mall more affordable. But the intersection of Paradise Road and Naples Avenue -- home to six gay establishments, including the new and increasingly popular lounge 8 1/2 (connected to the Piranha dancehall) -- is really the only area in town gay men can prowl uninhibitedly, with plenty of would-be tricks and without the disapproving hetero glares. Now, if one could only find a place to park.--MP

Best Place for Outdoor Sex

Red Rock Canyon

There's just something about nature -- sunshine, vast blue sky, desert flora, the majestic red earth -- that seems to make you, dear readers, very horny. Perhaps it's the refreshing trip away from stucco cities in the valley that does it for you. Or maybe you are just that desperate to get a little dirt where the sun don't shine. It seems a bumpy spot, but Red Rock wins every year.--EB

Best Place to Hike

Red Rock Canyon

A perennial favorite, this National Conservation Area has it all: friendly and informative park rangers, a trail system with every level of difficulty and priceless views. Priceless, that is, until someone figures out a way to pave over the whole damn thing and erect row upon row of suburban neighborhoods. Winter months are some of the least popular times to visit the park (spring and fall are busiest), take advantage of the lighter crowds and hit some trails.--EB

Best Place to Spot Celebrities

The Palms

4321 W. Flamingo Road

942-7777

Not much of a surprise here. We're not sure but at this casino it seems like they must require a TV show deal just to guarantee a lease agreement. Celebrity publicists probably have the Palms number on speed-dial for just those times when they need to get their client a little gossip column mention or magazine ink. It's all about the buzz. And all those TV show deals and movie premieres don't hurt.--EB

Best Protest Spot

The Strip (aka Las Vegas Boulevard)

As much as locals hate to admit it, the Strip is our proverbial town center. No offense to downtown or any of the valley's fine city halls, but where else can you get as much attention for your political action than on the Strip? We at CityLife have covered our fair share of protests on the Strip. One word of advice: Don't schedule your protest at noon any day in July. On more than one occasion we've witnessed the well-intentioned few melt under pressure from the desert sun as much as from bullying tactics from casino security guards.--EB

Best Strip Hotel-Casino

Bellagio

3600 Las Vegas Blvd. South

693-7111

It's no surprise that Bellagio takes this category -- when it opened in 1998, it marked the second revolution Steve Wynn had instigated on the Las Vegas Strip. Easily one of the most luxurious hotels anywhere, Bellagio actually encourages the fanny-pack set to get culture. Beautiful music scores the dancing water fountains fronting the Strip, the hotel is home to some of the city's best restaurants and an art gallery has featured works from Ansel Adams to Claude Monet. When Wynn finally opened his signature hotel, Wynn Las Vegas, one wag remarked that the mogul had built a "Bellagio-themed casino." The fact is, competing against Bellagio for luxury in Las Vegas is going to be difficult, even for the man who built it.--SS

Best Downtown Hotel-Casino

The Golden Nugget

129 Fremont St.

385-7111

Why are we not surprised? It turns out, the Golden Nugget is, has been, and will probably always be, the nicest hotel downtown. That's thanks to Steve Wynn, who before he made and re-made the Strip with The Mirage and Bellagio, turned the downtown spot into a real-life nice hotel. Not only is the Carson Street Cafe a see-and-be-seen hangout for the city's power elite (it's the unofficial courthouse cafeteria) the place still exudes the Wynn touch, although it's been through a succession of owners since he was bought out by MGM, and that company dumped the Nugget. Add the final historical footnote -- it's actually expanding, which is almost unheard of in downtown -- and you've got yourself a winner.--SS

Best Neighborhood Hotel

Red Rock Casino

11011 W. Charleston Blvd.

797-7777

Ah, readers. So fickle. And so enamored of the new. But why not? Station Casinos' Red Rock Casino is a property so nice, you could plunk it down next to Mandalay Bay and it would be right at home. (Plunk it down next to Excalibur, and they'd be calling the demolition experts to get rid of the castle.) Not only does the hotel feature a beautiful and striking interior design, it blends with its natural environs -- nearby Red Rock Canyon -- perfectly. Toss in a bevy of great restaurants (the Salt Lick is a must for any barbecue fans), a Randy Gerber club (Cherry), and a beautiful pool area, and its little wonder why Red Rock Casino has captured the fancy of readers.--SS

Best Sports Book

Caesars Palace

3570 Las Vegas Blvd. South

(877) 427-7243

You can install all the high-tech gadgets you like. You can put more screens up on the wall than in NORAD. You can make a sports book so vast, a telephone call from one end to the next would require punching in a new area code. But you can never shake Las Vegas' firm belief that Caesars Palace has the best sports book in town. We're not saying you're wrong about that. This is a very sweet sports book. We are surprised, however: With all the neighborhood casinos in town, you'd think a new kid on the block could wrest this title away among local CityLife readers. Not so much. Caesars, you're still the Olympus of sports books.--SS

Best Low-Stakes Gambling

The Klondike

5191 Las Vegas Blvd. South

The stakes are really super-low here now: The place closed back in June! And since we didn't start running our Best of the Valley ballot until Aug. 17, we can only assume that none of our readers got the memo. In light of that, we'll have to give second-place winners Ellis Island and the El Cortez a nod. At least they're still open.--SS

Best Hotel-Casino Theme Not Yet Used

UFO/aliens/outer space

On the contrary, dear readers. This theme was used, by one Bob Stupak, in a casino formerly known as Vegas World. Who could forget the cheesy space man floating on the side? (Apparently, readers.) Alas, the bad news is this: It's time to retire this category, because the days of "themes" for hotels are long gone. Now, it's all about fine dining, high-end shopping, clubs, pools and luxury stays at nice places. Blame Steve Wynn: He started the themes with The Mirage, and ended them with Bellagio. It's Wynn's Strip, people. We just get stuck in traffic on it.--SS

Best Lounge Band/Casino Act

Zowie Bowie

www.zowiebowie.com

Zowie Bowie is "purely a state of mind, [an] explosion of joy, fun and good times," says one-half of the singing duo, Chris Philips, on the group's website. And that explosion happens every Friday and Saturday at the Red Rock Casino in Summerlin, where the group plays, in addition to a gig at the Sunset Station on Thursdays. A Scottsdale, Ariz. transplant, Zowie Bowie has four CDs, all titled Hit It. They sure look like they're having a good time in photos posted on the site. And we've learned never to second-guess our readers (or Station's talent bookers, for that matter).--SS

Best Amusement Rides

New York, New York

3790 Las Vegas Blvd. South

740-6969

Oh, yeah, baby. The Manhattan Express is one of the wildest roller coasters ever, with huge, sweeping curves above the Las Vegas Strip, loops and that stomach-lifting, 144-foot main drop right out of the gate. (For thrills similar to this, you'd have to trek down to Primm, home of the Desperado, reportedly the highest coaster anywhere.) But even Desperado can't boast -- as the Express does on its website -- of "negative Gs." We're not sure what that means, but it took us awhile to regain our footing after we tried this bad boy for the first time. It's a great time, and hey, when you're done, you'll certainly appreciate the proximity of Nine Fine Irishmen, the upscale pub that fronts onto the Strip. Just remember: Coaster first, then drinks. Write it down if you must.--SS

Best Casino Shopping

Forum Shops at Caesars Palace

3500 Las Vegas Blvd. South

893-4800

We're not entirely sure, but we think it might be possible to live at this mall. There's plenty of food (ranging from upscale eateries like Spago, The Palm, Joe's Seafood, Prime Steak and Stone Crab, and Il Mulino New York), clothing (Gap, Polo Ralph Lauren, Brooks Brothers and Tommy Bahama's), and diversions (Brookstone, Callaway, Field of Dreams, not to mention Casa Fuente) that you'd never need to leave. While things are a bit more pricey than say, the Fashion Show or Galleria malls, this is what high-end Las Vegas shopping is supposed to be. And despite the fact that every new casino these days seems to come with a mall attached, the barbarians have yet to sack this mall from its perch.--SS

Best Hospitality to Locals

Station Casinos

(multiple locations)

Technically, a neighborhood casino doesn't really have to be nice to you. It's either their way, or a long trip down to the Strip. But Station bucks the trend, having long ago ringed the valley with player-friendly spots. Whether its the new upscale Red Rock Casino, the equally nice Green Valley Ranch, or older entries like the Sunset or Boulder stations, this company seems to offer what people like: Someplace close to home, with plenty of free parking, good restaurant choices, perhaps a movie theater, bowling alley or both, a sweet sports book and -- most important of all -- a place for the mother-in-law to stay that's not your house. Score!--SS

Best Tattoo Parlor

Studio 21 Tattoo Gallery

6020 Flamingo Road, 2B

248-8762

Locals have a wealth of places to choose from but for the past two years the winner has been family-owned Studio 21. The ink shop and art gallery has moved to a new location this year from its old digs on Arville Street. While fads come and go ink lasts forever and at Studio 21 tattoo art is as meaningful and important as art you can hang on the walls. Thankfully, here you can get both.--EB

Best Smoke Shop/Head Shop

Diversity

4700 S. Maryland Parkway

736-0916

Diversity has been voted the best head shop in the valley for a couple years now, and it's understandable. The place is a sort of pseudo-countercultural superstore. If it's packageable and should probably be kept away from children, they have it: knives, Sex Pistols light switch covers, Bettie Page-themed incense, a small library of books with titles like Peyote and other Psychoactive Cacti and walls of colorful tobacco accoutrements. It's breathtaking, really. You can even get tattooed or pierced. And with a computer kiosk for customers to browse the flash, well, maybe they aren't fucking around. Remember: Say "water pipe." Not the "B" word.--Beverly Bryan

Best Spa

The Loft

8689 W. Charleston Blvd.

243-2003

Not only is this day spa, which offers waxing, massage and facial services, the perfect spot to soothe your worries away, it is one part of a family business. Steve and Vicki Bayliff started the spa, along with the attached hair salon (see Best Hair Salon), in order to support their hairdresser daughter. Unfortunately, their daughter died one month before the spa and salon opened last year. But, as Vicki Bayliff says, their daughter's spirit lives on in the success of their shop. And that's enough to give anyone a little peace of mind.--EB

Best Yoga Studio

Tie: Studio Open

5115 Dean Martin Drive

651-6736

and Bikrams (see below)

While last year's race was a spiritually muddy field that left no clear winner, this year Studio Open was a standout, perhaps not coincidentally because they linked to our Best of the Valley ballot on their website, www.studioopen.com. Ballot box-stuffing aside, Studio Open is more than just a unique spot to go through a few asanas. The studio boasts a long roster of instructors who teach classes in traditional yoga techniques as well as dance and, ahem, "poll dancing for housewives." Tied for first place was an entry called "Bikrams." Unfortunately, dear readers, we needed a little more information because there are two independently owned yoga studios with "Bikram" in the name -- Bikram Yoga & Prana Boutique on Tropicana Avenue and Bikrams Yoga by Patrice on Sahara Avenue.--EB

Best Play/Theater Company

Second City

Flamingo Las Vegas

3555 Las Vegas Blvd. South

733-3333

Screw hanging out on the sidelines -- our entertainment-saturated readers like to be part of the show! This year, the improvisational impresarios over at the world famous Second City Las Vegas have risen from last survey's red ribbon status to take the blue among our vote casters. And why not? Who doesn't dig a cocktail-friendly, lounge act featuring clever wit, zappy political zingers, and Saturday Night Live-style sketch comedy? The Strip version pokes plenty of fun at Vegas cliches, and, given its improv nature, depends on each audience to help provide a different show every time. Do your part and come equipped with clever contributions.--Kelle Schillaci

Best Art Gallery

The Bellagio

3600 Las Vegas Blvd. South

693-7111

Only in Las Vegas can a small grouping of rooms buried deep in the belly of a Strip casino be considered the best art gallery in town. If you want to see a small traveling collection of famous art works that have been turned into easily digestible culture nuggets like coffee mugs and T-shirts (available in the gift shop, of course), then the Bellagio is the place to get your fix. No offense, dear readers, but have you ever been downtown? Even the small galleries in downtown Henderson have more varied and interesting work on display. True, it's not all diamonds, but the gems you do find are far more precious and often made right here.--EB

Best Movie Theater

Brendan Theatres (at the Palms)

4321 W. Flamingo Road

507-4849

Not enough beautiful people in your cinematic experiences? Head over to Brendan at the Palms and you'll get your fix. The Maloof brothers have done everything they can to turn their little piece of Las Vegas into a mini-Hollywood. Playboy Bunnies? Check. Hilton sisters? Check. Movie premiers? Check. A-listers and heartland tourists alike have devoured the goods like so much catnip. And you can be a part of it any night of the week and catch a flick, too.--EB

Best Hair Salon

The Loft

8689 W. Charleston Blvd.

243-2003

This locally owned boutique salon is a family affair. Started as a venture to help their hairdresser daughter, the husband and wife owners, Steve and Vicki Bayliff, had never been in the salon business before opening in April 2005. Unfortunately, their daughter died one month before the salon opened. But the Bayliffs have turned their family tragedy into a business success with their son Aaron quitting his work as a chef to become a hairdresser at the family business as well. For the second year in a row, The Loft has landed on top of our list partly from their talented staff and partly from their diversified offerings with a day spa (see Best Spa) and clothing shop attached.--EB

Best Used Bookstore

Albion Book Company

2466 E. Desert Inn Road

792-9554

Welcome to the big leagues, Albion. Last year the humble shop was locked in a four-way tie for second place behind Rebel Books. This year, the store is in a class by itself. We're just glad there are still some used book stores left in Las Vegas, which is not necessarily known as the most literate town (no, reading porn fliers doesn't count).--EB

Best Record Store

Tower Records

Sahara Avenue and Mall Ring Circle

This is perhaps the most bittersweet of all our winners this year as the company has gone bankrupt and the stores are expected to liquidate their stock and close. For years, those who like to support local businesses, such as the independent Big B's Records or the newer small chain Zia Records, going to Tower has been the sneaky sell-out way to get your music fix because, frankly, Tower had a great selection. What will come in its place is anyone's guess. Until then, thankfully, we still have our local stores.--EB

Best Place to Buy DVDs

Best Buy

Multiple locations

Sometimes the obvious choice is the best. Hell, it's in their name! If you're looking to score a new release and even some mainstream older movies, Best Buy is where to go. 'Nuff said.--EB

Best Wi-Fi Spot

Starbucks

Multiple locations

Although we put up a united front, here in the CityLife newsroom there is a battle that has waged for years. Is Starbucks a tasty mocha-latte-flavored house of hell set on grounding out all independent competition? Perhaps no one will ever know for sure. But one thing is certain, locals who want to set up their laptops and write angsty poetry or blog about the futility of being a progressive in Nevada can get their groove on at Starbucks. The caffeine will power your brain and their wi-fi hook-ups will power your Internet feed. It seems a match made in heaven.--EB

Best Place to Buy or Rent Porn

Adult Superstore

Multiple locations

Las Vegans have one of the best kinds of super stores on the planet and they are plentiful as well. Day or night, you can find your bachelorette party supplies, favorite porn movies and general kinky shit at the Adult Superstore. The stores are well-lit and their staff are knowledgeable. Go ahead, you know you want to.--EB

Best Thrift/Vintage Clothing Store

Buffalo Exchange

4110 S. Maryland Parkway

791-3960

While most vintage shops charge a hefty price and you might spend days digging through thrift store duds to get to the good stuff, Buffalo Exchange sorts it all out for you and for a reasonable price. Although sometimes a tad snotty, the staff are usually knowledgeable and helpful. And the chain (yes, there's one in Portland, Ore., too) can boast something else: They are the first to win this new category.--EB

Best comic book store

Tie:

Alternate Reality

4800 S. Maryland Parkway

736-3673

Alternaterealitycomics.net

Silver Cactus Comics

480 N. Nellis Blvd.

438-4408

Silvercactuscomics.com

(also at 4410 N. Rancho Drive, 396-8840; and 4425 E. Warm Springs Road, 260-0650)

Our readers couldn't decide between Alternate Reality Comics or Silver Cactus Comics for their sequential art needs. Instead of breaking the tie, we'll break it down for you. Silver Cactus has three locations and a decent selection of superhero comics, Lara Croft figurines and 20-sided dice. If you're a 13 year-old boy or an unreconstructed geek, you're home. For manga (because you're a 13 year-old girl?), comics about people who lack superpowers or acclaimed graphic novels, you want Alternate Reality -- they probably have what you're looking for, plus recommendations for further reading. And, yeah, they have Batman.--BB

Worst Local Elected Official

Mayor Oscar Goodman

C'mon, people! Just a few categories ago you were naming Goodman the best elected offical in town! Are you being ironic? There's clearly reasons for putting Goodman on the bad list; take his tough-hate approach to homeless, for example. But in a time when four ex-Clark County Commissioners are facing jail time for corruption, when our governor-elect is accused of assaulting a woman in a darkened parking garage after a night of drinking, and U.S. Sen. Harry Reid is on the front page of the Los Angeles Times as often as the words "Los Angeles Times," Goodman starts to seem like a pretty good public official after all!--SS

Worst Club Line

Pure

To our mind, all club lines suck the holy life shining inside your body out your anal pore. Seriously, have you seen Body English on a Sunday night? What about Tao on a Thursday? Both are, like, nine people thick in spots. Still, we sympathize with your anointment of the Caesars Palace megaclub's heathen gathering outside its doors, if for no other reason than there's more than one line. Last count, we spotted three -- one of which was devoted exclusively to women. So, yeah, Pure's line sucks. But so does everyone else's.--KC

Worst Local Print Journalist

Jon Ralston

What offends you, readers? The fact that Ralston breaks almost every significant political story via e-mail before anybody else in town even knows something is happening? The fact that even accomplished wordsmiths with nearly two decades in journalism sometimes have to look up his words? His eerily accurate election predictions? In a town with plenty of hacks, from the self-involved to the self-obsessed to the self-loving, Ralston can hardly be called the worst, unless some serious Review-Journal newsroom ballot-stuffing took place.--SS

Worst Traffic

Spaghetti Bowl

Which one? When the Nevada Department of Transportation started criss-crossing asphalt out in Henderson, people took to calling the U.S. 95/I-215 Beltway interchange the "Henderson Spaghetti Bowl." But we're pretty sure you meant the U.S. 95/I-15 interchange designed by Mr. Charles Foxtrot himself, in which if you want to go east toward downtown, you bear to the west, and if you want to head west, you first must bear east. It's gotten slightly better since the DOT expanded it, but work at Rancho Drive means traffic still slows up going to the west side of town, and the northwest. (Good thing nobody lives out that way, huh?) City officials still want to put a sports stadium downtown, which would actually accomplish Mayor Oscar Goodman's goal of getting more people to live in the area. Once you got stuck in the slog following that first game, you'd simply never be able to leave.--SS

Worst Strip Attraction

Circus Circus, Sirens of TI, Excalibur (tie)

OK, we get Circus Circus. (You know, how the whole hep world would spend Saturday night if the Nazis had won ... you've heard it? Right.) And we get Excalibur. (Gaudy even when having a casino theme was cool.) But Sirens of TI? Hot pirate chicks leaping to and fro on ships? Who couldn't love that? We'll make you a deal: Take Circus Circus. Other than its well-regarded steakhouse, that place has been begging for implosion for years. Take Excalibur. MGM Mirage can think of something cool to put in its place. (We're thinking .... um, condos?) But leave us the sirens, people!--SS

Worst Lounge Act

Big (Fat) Elvis, Clint Holmes, the Scintas (tie)

What an interesting development! Two of the three winners in this category no longer perform on the Strip. Bloated Elvis left the building many years ago, and Holmes recently ended his six-and-a-half-year run at Harrah's. But the Scintas continue to -- judging from the ballots -- plague audiences with their blend of music, impressions and comedy. What did siblings Joe, Frank, Chrissi (and "adopted" brother Peter) ever do to you, CityLife readers? Did they break your mind with a Jerry Lewis bit? Crush you soul with a soulless version of "The Way We Were"? We take it back; maybe we don't want to know.--JK

Worst TV Personality

Jon Ralston

Really? Ralston? Worse than Chopper, the Dodge guy? Worse than all the lawyers who advertise on TV (save for The Heavy Hitter; we love that guy!). Worse than CityLife Editor Steve Sebelius? (Yeah, for the 95.3 percent of you who didn't know, this writer has a little show over on Channel 13, and ... anyway, back to the point.) Which is this: Ralston may only be on cable (like, 250 times a day). He may irritate you with his voice, or his interview style, or his questions. But he's got a serious news program in a town that badly needs a serious news program. You could find worse on TV, people, and I'm not just talking about the CBS show Jericho.--SS

Worst Cell Phone Carrier

Sprint

To be fair, almost every single cell phone carrier got at least a vote. It's just that Sprint got a whole lot of votes. Longtime Sprint customers can sympathize with the dropped calls, the ESL-challenged 411 operators and the slow, agonizing search for the sweet spot in the living room in order to get at least one bar of signal to check their voice mail. But it's not all bad: According to our balloting, all cell phone companies suck, and at least with Sprint you don't have that creepy "can you hear me now" stalker dude following you around with the whole network. That is that guy, right?--SS