Get real about the monorail!

OH, THE POOR, POOR LAS VEGAS MONORAIL. It's just so sad.

According to the Review-Journal, the monorail's 2006 ridership was down 30 percent, with a mere 15,430 average riders in December.

That's so very, very far from what monorail founder Bob Broadbent promised would be a robust 50,000 riders per day! Oh, to go back to those days, and hear those heady promises once more! To be able to turn to monorail critics who claimed Broadbent was exaggerating by at least half and tell them that, in time, even they would be proven pikers!

Of course, as in every R-J story on the topic, the monorail's officials look at their empty trains, seas of red ink and too-high fares and claim ... prosperity is just around the corner!

"The monorail's current daily ridership of approximately 20,000 riders still far exceeds most rail systems throughout the country," said Ingrid Reisman, a nice person forced to rely on irrelevancies to make her case. "There's other factors that weren't taken into consideration, one of them being 'The Deuce' [double-decker buses] and some of the marketing efforts are still launching."

OK, it's time for a reality check. The monorail blows. It's never going to succeed. President George W. Bush will bring peace to Iraq and the whole Middle East and be hailed as a great world leader before the monorail works as intended. And enough with this business about the new marketing efforts. You can put as much lipstick on this pig as you want, it's still going to be bacon in the morning. Ah, crisp, delicious bacon. Mmmmmm.

Anyway, monorail backers have been saying expanding the train to the airport will be its salvation. Sure, they have to convince suckers (they call them "investors") to buy millions in supposedly private monorail bonds (the existing bonds are in "junk status"). But they can point to the Clark County Commission's Dec. 6 approval of the plan, at least!

Please. The Clark County Commission didn't notice its hospital was bleeding more red ink than the U.S. government, airport land worth millions was being traded for loose change and several (now former) members were leaving work with giant Louis Vuitton steamer trunks full of bribe money. They're the political equivalent of Ray Charles.

No, in order to save the monorail, its employees need to abandon ridership studies, bond campaigns and route planning in favor of a more realistic approach.

How about this for marketing: In the future, the monorail won't be propelled by computers and motors, but rather by winged unicorns pulling the trains down tracks inlaid with gold and chocolate.

Inside, cars would be remodeled to feature luxurious leather seats at which clones of Jessica Alba deliver sacks of magic beans that not only cure disease, but also reverse the aging process! Then they'd dance to the music of magical flutes and harps played by pixies, nymphs and leprechauns!

(There would be no need to chase said leprechauns for their pots of gold, since ridership on the monorail will be totally free. In fact, they'll pay you to ride it!)

As if that wasn't great enough, sumptuous massage beds would be set up to allow riders to unwind while special big-screen TVs automatically scan their minds and play their favorite movies or TV shows. Happy endings? Need you even ask?!

And the route won't be the lame one laid out by Broadbent because the MGM Grand and Bally's and Hilton agreed on a scheme long ago to move tourists from one property to another. Oh, no. You'll only start at the MGM Grand.

The train will wind through a misty forest to an enchanted land of dreams, where trees produce candy, rivers of nectar flow past dewy meadows of delicious licorice and gingerbread homes dot the landscape.

Now that's a marketing plan, baby!

And it's about as realistic as the monorail's actual plans.

Steve Sebelius is editor of CityLife. He can be reached at 871-6780, ext. 306 or Ssebelius@lvcitylife.com